I've done 2[Business Ethic & OB] out of 5 midterms so far. That's mean 3 more [International Business Law, Malaysian Econ, & Treasure Mgmt], for the next 3 weeks. I realize that I'm improving in dealing with midterms and assignments. This sem I am more focused. There isn't much of emotional disturbance which is good. Hopefully, this kind of environment will continue to surround me throughout my life.

Yesterday night, I was so tired after cracking my brain for 2 test and came back washing my clothes, cook for my dinner and so on so on. After that, I feel like enjoying myself, so I watch Fate/Stay Night 20-end but something inside of me suddenly want to cry out. Maybe the couple in the anime didn't get together at the end, they love each other but they can't be together. It's their fate to meet but it isn't fated to be together. Sad isn't it? Feel touched coz it feels kinda similar to me.

All of the sudden, I feel kinda lonely and the crying person inside of me struggling to come out. She did come out for a while and that moment, I shed a few tears. Soon, I realize... there's nothing to cry about. This is life, everyone has their dream to achieve and so am I. The route that I've chosen required me to let go of things that I've cherished. I might be getting it back in future, but then, nothing is fixed as it might not be coming back to me. The risk that I've to bare for the rest of my life...

I've been emotional mode for quite while. Afraid that It might be get worst if I continued to think and feel about it. Yes, there's nothing wrong with letting go of the feelings, but I think nothing can be done even if I cry. Things that happened are already happened, nothing can be done to changed it. I just want to keep myself in control. Can't rely on other people to cool ourself, sometimes it get worst. I better to depend on myself instead. So, I took a glass of whisky to cool me down.

When it's about 3.30 am, realising it was way past my bedtime, I went to bed, hoping for a better day for next day.

I've been having sleepness night lately. Don't know why, I feel sleepy, but when I close my eyes, my mind still active. How many times I tried to hibernate myself but found myself still wide awake. Sigh... Maybe I'm too stress, especially at this time-9 month from now I'm gonna leave here. There's a lot of things that I haven't done. Want to take any opportunity that comes along to do what I want to do before I regret in latter time.

I registered as a member to be in Chinese Orchestra Society choir group today. It's my first time attending classes like this. I mean, class not involving books, theories and writing. One of the reason I joined is because I like to sing. Singing is my passion, just suddenly feel like want to do something useful with it. Hehehe... It's fun, you able to get to know more friends who shared the same interest. You know what, when I introduce myself, as usual, their reaction will be "Huh? You are older than me?" ^_^" Well ya, I might be oldest here but yet I doesn't seems to look like one, but then, it's not something that I should worry about, isn't it?. When it come to knowledge, age and size doesn't matter. Most important thing is 'the will to gain the knowledge' is important. Right? hehehe....

I had one difficulty during the class, which makes me so so so so frustrated. I can't read chinese character! and I don't understand most of the words they are saying. Sigh... I feel so terrible and yet, I don't want to quit. I always having trouble in memorizing chinese sounds or character even people's name. So, I'm going to have tough time but it's ok, I never intend to quit anyway but really how someone could teach me or give me advise me on how to learn the language.

Don't know why, today, suddenly there's a lot of things coming to me, it's not bad thing but it's a good thing. It makes me feel alive again, if u know what I mean. Like I'm still exist in the society. hahaha... Maybe it's my good luck today. :) If everyday are like today, how nice~~~ (Dreaming...).

I will be busy this weekend onwards coz of exams and assignments due plus, got classes and choir class. Moreover, Mymmu.net have a new image, so means I'll have new responsibility soon. Tomorrow, I got appointment with Syukor to discuss about mymmu.net stuff. Lot of things will be discuss. Just hope this time, I don't struggle to open my mouth again.

I've decided to move out from the house by end of this semester. Just to save the money, I take the risk of losing a nice place to stay during my last semester but, I got no choice, its my first priority to save money. I need the money for some reason. I'm not working, so the only way I could get the money is the save from my dad's allowance. Whether I'll be staying on the same house again or other house or maybe EP, depends on the availability of the room during that time. Or else, I'll have to tumpang somebody's house until I found the room.

There's a lot of things that I wanted to talk about, but I guess my post is a bit too long. Have to stop here or else somebody out there will say 'It's too long, don't want to read'. :p

The other day, I was categorized as 'abnormal' by my Ah Ko because I told him I sleep too much. Normally people sleep 8 hours but I sleep 10 hours sometimes 12 hours. Well, its abnormal? Well, some people do sleep 10 - 12 hours, some people sleep even longer. It doesn't make them being an 'abnormal', does it?

Recently I'm afraid to sleep longer coz I was having weird weird dreams. I've dreamt almost all people I've known and in different diferent situation. If I continue to sleep, I afraid I won't be able to differentiate between what is dream and what is reality. I guess maybe I've been keeping to myself quite a while now. Haven't seen people quite a long time. Maybe I'm abnormal... lol.

I don't think any girls are like me, spend most of times in front of computer. Holiday also doesn't want to go back home.Other girls probably went back home, talk to mommy and daddy about how school went. Some maybe hanging out with girl friends to discuss something about what is the fashion in the market or chit chat about whose the most handsome guy in campus and so on. Well, not all girls are like that, but majority. I'm one of those minority one who prefer to spend time alone and do what I like to do. I wonder if that's make me abnormal. Sometimes I do talk with my girl friends but we will talk something like what's going on to the world or a 'what if...' situation. Something that makes us think. (Sigh, now I miss my friend).

Another might-be abnormal thing from me is, I tend to make mess my workplace then, I'll clean them up nicely after all the mess I've done. I don't know why, but that's just what keeps happening. I guess I'm not a prefectionist, maybe because I think nothing in the world is prefect. Some ways, some hows, there will be a flaws. However, I won't let anything that have more than 40% of flaws. I will get frustrated.

Music is my life, I can't live without music in my life. Everyday, I must listen to music and sometimes I listen to it whole day. One thing that makes me so predictable is because of the song I listen to every minute. My emotions goes with the melody of the songs. Sometimes when I listen to song like 'Get Out' from Jill, means you will know that I'm in furious mood. Hahaha.

So how do we know how abnormal is abnormal? How do we differentiate it between being abnormal and being special? Well besides I'm abnormal of having more hairs than meat. That I know...(embarrassed) So am I being abnormal or special? Hm....

Have you ever feel that you're trying to talk to somebody and that you're afraid that the other person doesn't want to talk to you or care about you? When you have this unwanted feeling inside of you, what do you do?

I've been telling myself to shut up all these while because I have this feeling that tells me that once I talked, I won't be getting any response or get a blade-slash-to-the-heart. Trying to hold back what've care for just because of this fear that I felt. Fearing that someone will get irritate, fear that it will lead to no friendship. Even if I am that person, I would feel the same especially when you think that you have a lot of things to do and you got no time to concertrate on relationship problems.

There's another fear that I felt is the fear of talking that will lead to argument. I tried to avoid myself giving away reaction that will rise people's anger but eventhough I tried to avoid in anyway I can including keeping my mouth close still, I end up in a furious situation where both of us are blinded by anger. At the end, I'll cry on my bed, waiting for someone to save me from myself.

I've been trying to speak up and try to say 'Hi' to anyone but usually end up fearing to get no response. One way to know whether the other person care about you is to simply observe whether he/she greet you once in a while. If no, not even a phone call, or an email add, or a simply 'hi', then, there's a little chance that I think that person really cares. Maybe the other person is busy of other things, but then, even the busiest person in the world would have a resting time, don't they? Don't they think about us? Maybe it's is depend on how important are we to them. All these tells me to keep my mouth close coz of fears.

Maybe I'm afraid to engaged in relationship and afraid to get hurt because I've been hurt many times. This wounded heart of mine still haven't heal from before. It get hurt more than it's healed. Right now, I won't want to do anything because I couldn't take it anymore.

It's more than 1/2 year now, living in my own life. Within this period, I found out a lot of things about myself. About the life and experiences that I dreamt of.

Right now, all I need to do is work hard and concentrate of my studies. Then, I will go for three month practical training in Freight Forwarding company which is my dad's. I will use this opportunity to learn everything that I need to learn from there.

Although, I worked there before but I never give my full ability and commitment to it. So, this time, I will, not because I have to do it, but I realize that I have to appreciate every opportunity that comes to me. It is fortunate that it is my dad's company. There's no pressure whether I do things correctly or not because nobody in the company dare to scold me but my dad, which on surface it looks like a great environment to work with where you can do anything you want. However, that's not the case, I worked there before, that's why I know. They treat me differently because of who I am. Like for example, if I done a terrible mistake, they will not dare to say a word. It's not that I like being scold but I felt like being spoilt.

Working in your dad's company are more pressure than those u work with other people because you have to deal with expectations from your dad, your collegue and your younger brother. Plus, this time onward, I will work together with my ex primary school classmate. Well, I guess that's challenges of life that I have to face.

After graduate, I wish to go overseas, maybe for work and study for few years. I wanted to experience the meaning of living and working in other ppl's country besides, while finding the unanswerable question from other perspective by learning to live in different culture in different countries. This is my new found dream that I want to pursue.

Well that's for future

Oh ya, last two days, I received two surprises.

The first surprises is a visit from my Aunty Toots. She all of the sudden call me out to tell me that she's on the way to melaka because she's bored staying at home. LoL. So they came and reached here about 4.15pm. It's a good news tho, I can save my post expenses to post my training application to my dad. So she can pass the thing for me. Another thing is, I expect to change my phone but my cute baby sister left the phone in the house. So... sigh, have to wait 2 more month. Like usual, we drink that night, not much but it's fun.

For the second surprises is... T bought me a webcam which initially cost RM39 but somehow the quality is terrible so we changed to other brand which cost RM49. What's weird is, that package was tag RM70 but it's RM49 only. I wonder how much is the 'real' price for other products. So, next time, we need to ask the price of the product eventhough they are tagged. I wonder if there's a plot behind this. Hahah... hope i'm not being paranoid here, but then hey! why would they put the price tag there if that is not the price, right?

T and the gang went back then next morning. I'm alone again but this time with new toy. ^^

Tomorrow is the big day for some of us.
It's our friend's CONVOCATION Yeah~!!!CONGRATULATION~! YOU HAVE MADE IT I WISH YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT JOURNEY AHEAD~!
I'M SO SORRY THAT I COULDN'T MAKE IT TO MEET YOU GUYS AND TAKE WONDERFUL MEMORY MAKING PICTURES TOGETHER.
I'LL BE MISSING YOU GUYS.

I'm so happy for them, they will enter a new phase in life. So wait for me guys, after 9 month, I'll join you all and we will work together for better future.