Still alive
God, I'm so damn tired... and I'm crapping again coz I'm too lazy to find sources to update my blog... haha
I've decided to stay here for one more semester. The reason is because
1. Too many furnitures to shift
2. No other suitable place to stay
3. I can't shift alone
And another thing, Someone already rent the other rooms. So finding housemates is not a problem anymore.
Then... Ryan has been quite himself but still kinda attached to me, but that's ok. We give both of us time. Just let the time decide what will happen in future.
On the other hand, I've been very stupid to let myself fall into the hole eventhough I've already know that there is a hole and it will be very damn hurt when if I really fall into it but what can I do? I fell, and its really hurt and painful.
If somebody's heart is not mine, it will never be mine no matter how much I want them to be mine or even if I owned their bodies, their souls and hearts won't be mine.
Giving Ryan a second chance is definitely out of question for the moment. I dropped in a really big deep hole and I'm trying to save myself out of it. I need to see the world, the reality which are full of options and choices of life that can be made. I'm trying to make a different and adjust my life according to what I wish for. Initially, I try to walk the path that what other people choose, but I dont' want that to happen to me again. I dont' want to walk in anyone shadow. I wish for my own path by deciding my own destiny.
It might not be fair for Ryan, coz its never been fair to him either. I am the one to blame for all the things that happen. I'm being too blur, too naive, too emotional, too fool for not able to express whatever I want to say. That's why, I need time to clear things out whatever that happen between me and Ryan.
I cried last night, can't sleep till 6am. I've been listening to Miguel Vera Nais Ko, and Ariel Rivera Narito Ako till I sleep. The song is so sad and it suit my emotion at that time. I was so down yesterday...
Yesterday presentation was Ok for me, I'm the worst presenter in my group but at least I can talk, it just a bit nervous, maybe because its been a long time I did my last public speaking. Sigh... I feel so down because everyone is better than me. No matter physically or mentally, everyone at my age now is better than me. Damn... its really painful to know the fact when you are trying so hard to improve yourself and its not even hit the bottom line.
I felt so down yesterday, and yet I heard another thingS that hurt me so so so damn much and it makes me feel even worst.
There's lots of girls out there are a lot better than me, physically and mentally. It's so normal for a girl to be chase by 5 or 6 or even 14 guys while me? no matter how near I am, people won't even look at me. Why? I wish to know why... one thing for sure, I'm not attractive, and what else? tell me? I'm under 16? ~__~ For god sake, I'm older than my look, ok? sigh... I should be happy coz know why? when people get old, I won't look old. =p
on the other hand, I feel one product packaging must be attractive as well, if not, no people will want to buy if packaging look like shit, right?
Sigh... human nature.
Another thing that make me confuse, I dont' know whether to feel bad about it or feel good about it. Somebody say I'm a princess in my family. I feel bad, coz I'm no longer family's princess. There nobody will satisfy all my needs and nobody will listen to me and take care of me like I used to, but then, I feel better coz I realized I grew up. Growing up its not a nice thing to play actually. Like what older people always wish, they wish they never grow up when they are grown up.
Sigh... all these things made mine self esteem even lower eventhough its already low, but then, I'll bring myself up again. I didn't blame the person who told me all these but I thanked him for telling me and I apologize about coldness towards him and Ryan. It was all just emotions that taking me over.
Anyway...
I'm still alive.
